Why the Archbishop will Never Hire Me (a funny story)

I am what you could call a Catholic nerd. I love all things Catholic (liturgy, history, dogma, law, etc.), like a Trekkie loves all things Star Trek. That's why when the priest assigned to our Catholic campus ministry (Berry College) told me that Archbishop Gregory would be celebrating Mass at our sister college ministry, I dressed up in a coat and tie, loaded up a group of us, and made the 1 hour trek to Kennesaw State University.

I've met bishops (and cardinals) before, but every time I still get excited. I play everything out in my mind, how great it's going to be to meet a successor of the Apostles (especially one that was president of the USCCB!)

Of course, I didn't go to the restroom before we left, so when we arrived I busted into the living room asking for the location of the bathroom. A good man pointed the way, and led me into a back room. After jiggling the doorknob, he told me to check the other side to see if that door to the bathroom was unlock. So I ran into the other room...

... and came face-to-face with His Eminence, Archbishop Gregory. "Your Eminence" was all I could say as I stared at him and backed into the restroom.

I face-palmed myself all through the restroom room processes (don't worry, I still washed my hands). Afterwards, I turned towards the door, squared my shoulders, and opened it- only to see Archbishop Gregory looking at me with a big smile on his face as he said, with a great sigh of relief "Whew!"

I smiled, even though inside I was banging my head against the wall. It's like a Star Wars fan meeting George Lucas... but the Star Wars fan forgot to bathe that day, had a pizza stain on his t-shirt, and doesn't have anything for Lucas to autograph.

I walk into the chapel with the other Berry students (who laughed uncontrollably at the story), and celebrated a beautiful Mass presided by His Eminence. It was beautiful, and Archbishop Gregory gave a good homily.

But of course the night was young! We had refreshments afterwards, and so I poured myself a glass of sweet tea, encircled by my group of Berry friends. Unfortunately, the sweet tea container had a small crack in it, so a little spilled onto the floor and my (nice) shoes.

I bend down (awkwardly, because I'm wearing khakis- basically, I have my butt in the air and am leaning oddly to one side) to wipe up the spill and clean my shoes. I straighten back up into my group of friends, only to see Archbishop Gregory staring at me as he talks to our little group. Behind the Archbishop (who is facing me), I can see my friends holding back their derisive giggles at the fact that I just embarrassed myself for the second time in one night.

So now the Archbishop knows me as that weird kid. It wouldn't all be as funny if it had happened to another Catholic, such as one who isn't as prim and proper as I am or who isn't 'Catholic crazy'.

So if you're listening, Your Eminence, please don't let this keep me from ever getting a job with the Archdiocese!